Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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