If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
