I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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