Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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