Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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