u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Randomize
