yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
