Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
