she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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