Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
