First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
