Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
