Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
