I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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