thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
