Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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