I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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