I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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