Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
