we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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