The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
