I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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