you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
