Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
