i love accidental penises.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
