a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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