Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
