I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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