i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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