**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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