she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
