i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
