Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
