Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
