4 words: hood of his car
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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