i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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