just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Randomize
