I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
