Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
