I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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