Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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