Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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