I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
