i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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