I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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