i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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