My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
