here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
