I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Who died my cat blue again?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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