Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
