I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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