I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
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