hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
cat food counts as protein by the way
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
