Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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