wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
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